


Colors

by scarlettsoldier



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Depression, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 13:39:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7363462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlettsoldier/pseuds/scarlettsoldier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Songfic of Halsey's 'Colors'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Colors

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fav Halsey song next to Castle and basically all of Badlands oops. I’d recommend listening to the stripped version for ultimate feels. I hope you are all having a lovely day!

Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so  
You said your mother only smiled on her TV show  
You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope  
I hope you make it to the day you're 28 years old  
It was the worst day of his life when he met you. Now, Bucky had been in a lot of compromising situations, and a hell of a lot of deadly ones, but this was the worst situation he’d ever been in by far. There he sat, on the rooftop of the Avengers Tower.   
Bucky had never favored heights- everyone knew this, especially Steve. Yet when he mentioned that he was going to take a breather on the roof no one even blinked. For a moment Bucky considered that all of this could have been his imagination, but then he wondered- did it really matter? Did it really matter if he was imagining this or not if he was going to continue to imagine it? When would his mind stop tormenting him? When would his mind give him a break? It seemed like it never would, and with that thought he felt as though walls were closing in on him. Maybe this was for the best.  
You're dripping like a saturated sunrise  
You're spilling like an overflowing sink  
You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece  
The first time you met Bucky was the scariest day of your life. Sure, you had never personally met the super soldier, but you had heard stories about him. You had heard both sides of his story, and you couldn’t help but feel bad for the lost soul. Especially since one of your clients would never stop voicing his concerns for his him.  
You knew Steve and the rest of the avengers by chance. You had been the top psychologist in the city when Stark called to employ you- how could you say no? You quickly moved up in the ranks of the tower, earning the trust of nearly everyone residing in it, all except for one- a certain lost soul named James Buchanan Barnes. He avoided you like the plague because of your title. You could only guess that he was intimidated by your job description, thinking that no one would be able to help him, not even a professional like yourself. You tried not to take his avoidance personally, you really did. You tried to bury yourself with work in attempt to distract yourself, and it worked for the most part.  
You had been having a rough week. Every day Steve would come in and voice his concerns for his friend, and every day you would rake your brain for a way to help him. Whatever ideas you came up with involved being in the same room as him, which was very unlikely to happen. To ease your thoughts, you thought it would be nice to have lunch on the roof. You had always liked the view from the top of the tower, and you had grown fond of the strong gusts of wind that blew harshly against the spire. You especially loved the serenity and silence up on the top of the building, so it was a surprise to say the least when you opened the roof’s door to hear soft a soft sobbing. Your mind automatically went to the worst case scenario as you dropped your lunch and rounded the corner. And there he was.   
You couldn’t say that you were surprised to see that Bucky was the one breaking down up there. If any one of the people in the tower were to do this, it was obvious that Bucky would be the first to have a complete breakdown. However, your awareness of this didn’t dull the heartache in your chest when you saw him sitting on the ledge of the building, preparing himself for the end.   
You made sure to make your footsteps as loud as possible to let him know of your presence before you spoke. “Is this seat taken?” You sit down next to him, right next to the ledge. You pushed your fear of heights aside and talked to the broken man. You talked him off of the edge.  
And now you're tearing through the pages and the ink  
Everything is blue  
His pills, his hands, his jeans  
The next time Bucky saw you was when you were prescribing him his anti-depressants. He could only guess that you did this because it would take more than the average amount of drugs to get the desired effect due to the serum.  
His leg was jetting up and down, small beads of sweat developing on his forehead. You pushed down your urge to lunge across your desk and pull him into a fierce hug because you had promised yourself that you’d be professional.  
Bucky tentatively held out his hand as you described the effects of the medication, and you gingerly placed the pill bottle in them. He gave the bottle a look of unease, but he had to remind himself that he was doing this for Steve. He was doing this for Steve. He was staying alive for Steve.  
And now I'm covered in the colors  
Pulled apart at the seams  
It makes me blue  
It makes me blue  
When the day came when he finally came to you, you wanted to sing. After the whole rooftop situation went down, you had been anxiously waiting for him to come for your help. Finally, here he was, sitting in front of you with the pills you prescribed in his palms.   
There were a million things you wanted to say, so many ways of approaching his problem, but you found that none of them could leave your lips. Your throat felt dry and scratchy as you tried to speak, nearly choking up in the process. “James- may I call you that- I want you to know that it’s okay to be sad. To be angry. To be upset. You have every right to feel what you are feeling, and I want you to know that I will be with you every step of the way towards your recovery.”  
And you were.  
Everything is grey  
His hair, his smoke, his dreams  
And now he's so devoid of color  
He don't know what it means  
And he's blue  
And he's blue  
It had been months since he had started to take your pills, and finally he was starting to feel a bit better. For a while the pills triggered his temper to come out, resulting in him getting into verbal fights with Steve and his other teammates, but he had adjusted. He was finally getting used to the idea that he was not going to be this way forever, and this idea alone propelled him forward each day.   
He had never been as grateful to anyone in his life to anyone until you. You saved his life- a debt that would never easily be repaid. He knew he owed you, though you told him time and time again that the pleasure wa all yours. Naturally, he became protective of you. He protected you like he would himself- you had never been more touched in your life. This man had finally started to open up to you, and you let him in wholeheartedly.  
You were a vision in the morning when the light came through  
I know I've only felt religion when I've lied with you  
You said you'll never be forgiven 'til your boys are too  
And I'm still waking every morning but it's not with you  
You watched as Bucky and the team filed back into the living area, all tired from their most recent mission. Every single one of them was bruised and battered, so you could only imagine the emotional trauma that they had experienced.   
Before you knew what you were doing, you had already taken Bucky’s hand and were leading him to your office. Apparently your protective instincts had kicked in and you wanted to make sure that he was okay above everyone else. You knew it was selfish, but you couldn’t help yourself.   
Though you would never admit it to yourself, you thought you were slowly falling in love with the man.  
You're dripping like a saturated sunrise  
You're spilling like an overflowing sink  
You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece  
And now you're tearing through the pages and the ink  
Bucky was glad when you took him first to be evaluated. A part of him never wanted to kill again, so he was disappointed with himself when he had to kill some of the enemy for the mission. He told you this, and you listened to all of his concerns sincerely.   
Though he would never admit it to himself, he was slowly starting to fall in love with this person that cared for him so much.  
Everything is blue  
His pills, his hands, his jeans  
And now I'm covered in the colors  
Pulled apart at the seams  
It makes me blue  
It makes me blue  
Bucky had his first relapse after two months without a nightmare. You had gotten a call from Steve in the middle of the night, your blissful dreams interrupted by the phone ringing.   
You rushed as fast as physically possibly up to Bucky’s room, not caring that you were in your pyjamas. You didn’t care that you looked like shit; all you cared about was him. So, it was needless to say that all the breath was knocked out of you when you saw Bucky crumpled up on the floor, sobbing while clutching his head roughly screaming for his nightmares to stop. It was a sad sight, but there was no time to mourn his loss of sanity. You jumped right into action, immediately moving to console the man.  
Before you knew it, your arms were wrapped around his shaking frame, his hot tears drenching your night shirt. You shushed him softly, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. You rocked him slowly, somehow managing to sway his large, heavy frame side to side.  
Everything is grey  
His hair, his smoke, his dreams  
And now he's so devoid of color  
He don't know what it means  
Bucky was a wreck when you came into his room that night. He was shaking so hard that he could barely make out his hand, and he was sure that his sobs woke the entire building if not the entire street. Every time he closed his eyes he saw yet another face of a person he’d killed. All the innocent eyes staring at him had been too much until he was a complete wreck on the floor.  
Steve came in first, running in with his shield in hand while only wearing his boxers. Bucky would have made some sort of flirty joke if he wasn’t in such a broken state. Steve’s lips were moving, that much he knew, but Bucky was in too much of a dazed state to try to comprehend what his friend was saying.   
Then Steve was on the phone. He had slid a small silver flip-phone out of a pocket in his boxers and was quickly speaking into the device. If he weren’t so wrapped up in his thoughts, Bucky would have eavesdropped. But that was a big if.  
You came running in next, a wave of calmness following you into the room. Bucky’s breath nearly caught in his throat as he saw you in all of your glory- your disheveled hair and crazed eyes. Then you were standing in front of him, then crouching next to him, then holding him. He had never felt more at home in your arms, and for the first time that night, he was able to breathe normally again.  
And he's blue  
And he's blue  
Everything is blue  
Everything is blue  
Everything is blue  
Everything is blue  
By the time another two months had passed, Bucky was back on the road to recovery- whatever that entailed. He spent at least an hour a day in your office, finally being comfortable with having therapy sessions again. He was finally able to talk to you without feeling ashamed of his feelings- this thrilled you. All you wanted was for him to get better, and for the first time in a long while, he was ready to give recovery a try.  
You were red and you liked me because I was blue  
You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky  
And you decided purple just wasn't for you  
Another six months passed before Bucky and the rest decided that he was recovered enough to go on missions. You didn’t particularly like the idea of his being out in the field, but even you knew that it wouldn’t be the best idea to tell them otherwise. They were dead set on believing that their friend was better, and you couldn’t really blame them for wanting their friend back.  
You really tried to give him your all when he did have his therapy sessions. They were shorter now with more time in between bookings, and you were already missing your favorite patient. You knew deep within yourself that you loved this man, but you willed yourself to keep the relationship strictly professional. You tried your best to keep him together more than ever, knowing that seeing him less would probably hurt him.  
Everything is blue  
His pills, his hands, his jeans  
And now I'm covered in the colors  
Pulled apart at the seams  
It had been a month since the avengers decided that he was fit to go on missions again. Bucky wasn’t too sure about their decision, but he couldn’t bring himself to face Steve about the situation. Steve was so happy with his recovery and Bucky didn’t want to ruin that, so he kept his fears silent. At least, until he saw you again.  
He wasn’t shy to voice his concerns to you. You understood why he felt this way and you admitted that you agreed with him; both of you weren’t sure whether this was a good idea to lessen his therapy time. However, neither of you knew what the best way to go about the situation would be. In the end the two of you decided that you’d do the best that you could with the time that you had together; Bucky was okay with that. Just as long as he was still able to see you.  
It makes me blue  
It makes me blue  
As Bucky’s visits became more and more infrequent, you found yourself getting bored with your normal work. Sure, people still came in for their appointments, and of course you cared about their issues, but things seemed to get dull when Bucky wasn’t in your life. It was this that led to the realization that you officially loved him.  
Everything is grey  
His hair, his smoke, his dreams  
And now he's so devoid of color  
He don't know what it means  
And he's blue  
And he's blue  
You and Bucky decided that in order to spend more time together, you needed to make plans in advance. This led to the two of you eating your lunches together on the roof every day that he wasn’t on a mission. In all honesty, you adored these meetings. You got to talk to Bucky without the pressing need to fix his problems, and he got to talk to you without feeling as though he needed to get everything out and on the table. You two were in a perfect state of contentment, and you couldn’t be happier.  
Everything is blue  
Everything is blue  
Everything is blue  
Everything is blue  
Today was the day. Bucky had been waiting for the day that he would tell you that he loves you. Of course, he had planned for yesterday to be the day that he told you, and originally the day before that, but he kept on getting nervous and opting out. If it were about anything else, he would have found it funny that a super soldier turned assassin was having trouble doing anything, but confessing his love to the girl of his dreams made him think differently.  
As he looked at you, nibbling on your sandwich across from him, his mind went blank. He could barely breathe while taking your beauty in; if he kept this up, his face would turn blue.  
“Hey Buck, is something wrong?” He nearly scoffed at your inquiry. Nothing was wrong- everything was the complete opposite of wrong. In that moment, everything was beautiful; the clouds above you, the city below you, and just you yourself. He had never experienced such an amazing sense of beauty before, and with that realization he knew it was time.  
“No, sorry, it’s just,” He paused- there was no going back once he said these words. Was it worth it? “Y/n, I think I love you.”  
Your face lit up like a christmas tree as he said his words; your dream had come true as he confessed his love for you. “I love you too!” You closed the space in between your bodies, holding him close. Neither of you had never felt so at home.


End file.
